Once a writer, always a writer.

Hey everyone,

I know, I know, I’ve been gone for a while. I guess I’ve just been caught up with life lately but I’m back with a huge story time/ rant. Stick till the end only if you’re interested in some cliché teen drama.

I guess I’ll start with why I’ve been on such a hiatus from writing. College for me started last September and it started off quite bitter sweet.

To be completely honest, I was a bit afraid to write after a senior of mine, and total B-word, said  my blog was just sad and sappy after she and a few other seniors checked my blog out for a competition in school, which just  BTW I won. Yay me,right? Wrong. I was pretty disheartened by her comment and I couldn’t write a thing after that for the fear of my feelings and emotions being criticised because that is what I write about. It’s one thing to be criticised for your looks or for your hair,your clothes but for your feelings to be insulted, hurt. My articles, this blog, is something that is close to my heart and when I write about my thoughts it comes from a personal place and I’m making myself vulnerable for people to know what’s going on with me. And to me, that takes a whole lot of goddamn guts. I never flaunted my blog to be a professional blog with a lot of factual posts, it’s under ‘personal blogs’ for a reason. If we find someone’s blog too dramatic, all we need to do is stop reading whatever that person posts. It took me quite some time to understand this myself, credits to my best friend who kept egging me to continue writing, and I’m back here, unapologetic for my posts.

Anyway since then,  I moved into my own apartment and I’ve honestly fallen in love with my independence. There’s just something about having your own space before you’re 20 and having  your parents’ trust that is very satisfying. Secondly, I’ve met the most amazing people who haven’t just become my best friends but also family. Among them I’ve met a wonderful guy who bends over backwards just to keep me happy. Third, I’ve found my field of specialisation and I’m pretty damn happy I’m done with the science stream. For all these things, my 2016 wasn’t really all that bad and has ended with a high note!

I couldn’t be more grateful to all the people who have helped me out in 2016 and those who are still with me, kissing my a*se.

~Like or comment if you’ve had someone criticise something that meant a lot  to you as well. 🙂

A writer’s feel

How many of you have been in a messy head space, had the urge to write about it and by the end of your article, you just reach the realization of what or how you must feel or do? I don’t know about you guys but that’s me. It’s like getting enlightenment from yourself and for me, that’s so addictive!

As you might have figured out from my previous article that I have been going through the ‘unrequited love story’ phase. Let me tell you ever since then, I have had this wonderful feeling of extreme peace that I’ve gotten from writing about something I was so afraid to let out. There is something about expressing your feelings on a public platform and getting affirmation that makes you feel somewhat invincible and think, if I’m brave enough to come off as transparent as this, what else can you say to me? Am I right?

So I guess this is what this post is about. It’s about my deep appreciation for writing and blogging. And how writing has made me stronger and if not, more sane than I thought I have been. Exaggerated? I truly don’t feel so because I think there are different ways we all feel empowered and appreciated and for me, one of those things is definitely writing. What’s a better way to express your views and opinions and feel like they matter, right?
For me, writing is like diving into the ocean and surfacing out to the unknown and finding a paradise island. Even with this post, I had no idea what it was going to be about, I have no idea how it’s going to end! I just had the sudden urge to plunge into my computer and type out what I feel and the result, is what I think is a beautiful and very relatable article on a writer’s feel.

Can you relate? Or would you agree? Let me know! 🙂

To forgive

No closure, no deep conversation.
Your friends say that’s who you are.
I’m quite the same.
So I understand.
You’ve been hurt before and you’re taking it slow.
I do the same.
So I understand.
You’re practical, you’re ambitious, you’re someone who likes fun.
Who isn’t that way?
So I understand.

But then again, I don’t understand.

I don’t understand what went wrong between us.
I don’t understand why you left and had me questioning my worth.
I don’t understand how someone so loving could suddenly turn a cold shoulder without reason.
I don’t understand you.

But I will forgive you.

For all the misleading hints.
I forgive you.
For causing the extreme pain I feel in my chest everytime I think of you.
I forgive you.
For making feel so special without real motive.
I forgive you.
For leaving me confused and frustrated.
I forgive you.
No closure, no real conversation.
Isn’t that the worst way to end things?

I forgive you for all the nights I cry myself to sleep asking myself what I’ve done wrong or why I wasn’t enough.
I forgive you for being flirtatious because that’s just who you are.
Or at least it’s what’s written in your star sign.
For making me write about you, sing about you, talk about you, I forgive you.
For being my first thought every morning, I forgive you.

But I cannot forget.

I cannot forget how happy you made me feel.
I cannot forget the void you filled in my heart with just your presence.
I cannot forget how I felt your eyes light up when I walked into the room, how that made me feel so important to you.
I cannot forget your arms around my waist or your bright eyes staring longingly at my face.

Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I read too much into things.

So I have to forget
Because I have to forgive.

And forgiving myself means having to forgive you.

Cool points

This post is going to be a little different from the others I’ve put up and I’m blogging this simply because I want to put it out there for some people so that they could salvage whatever self respect they have left and maybe turn over a new leaf.

What do you get by making things up to make yourself and your life look and sound amazing to everyone else but you know that none of it’s true? What do get from all the pretense? What do you get from all the lies?

I’m sure we’ve all come across people like this who put on such a facade just to impress other people or get “cool points”. If you haven’t, let’s exchange lives right now because I’m surrounded by so many pretentious people. I don’t mean to sound whiny but.. Girls.. Or guys, don’t you think it’s really sad (and emphasis on sad because it really really is.) when everyone in the room knows you’re lying and you still keep up with the fake ‘I’m so cool’ story? I don’t know about you but I would be so embarrassed if I tried lying to impress someone and that person can actually see through my lie. Or suppose no one knows you’re lying. It’s still pretty messed up because you know you’re lying and when you go home that day, do you actually feel happy inside? Sure a few people now think that you’re oh-so-cool with the stories you feed them but what about your conscience? Is it at peace? Is it content? If you’re someone like this, I’m afraid I’m going to have to be really blunt and tell you that you need a big life re-evaluation and prioritization because I don’t think anyone has ever called you out on what you’re doing yet.

It’s time to stop feeding our egos with our lies and maybe actually start working on our wishful thinkings to make them true and let other people do the praising for us. And trust me, that feels way better than putting on a fake show because this time, it’s the truth.

Can you relate? Or come across someone like this? Let me know. 🙂

Holding on to success.

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Growing up, I had a very different idea of how I imagined my life would be today. I am blessed with a good life and I could say that I’ve always had it easy. And I thought that life and my dreams would be as easy to crack as well.
So when I was 8, I imagined at 18 I would be a famous popstar like Hannah Montana. Though today, I still have my ‘singer-moments’ through my social media and grab every open mic/ karaoke opportunity that I can, I am not a famous popstar.
At 12, I was determined to take up medical studies and become a well known surgeon. I thought at 18, I’m gonna have my nose buried in my books and lock the world away till I’m bloody successful. I’m 18 and I am far from having my nose buried in my school books.
At 15, I wanted to be a travel journalist. To travel around Europe and other parts of the world and write was my dream job! I thought by 18, I’m going to be the youngest journalist of my company. I’m 18 now and I am not a travel journalist.
The truth is, at 18, I’m just like any other teenager trying to get through life, happy.
And I think that’s the reality for the most of us. No, we’re not big executives or Guinness Book record holders. No, we’re not artists making music that we feel or couture models of a high fashion agency. We’re competitive teenagers singing generic styles of pop music with a smartphone taking pictures of ourselves to feel appreciated and fill the void our childhood dreams have made. Irrelevant, small scale “achievements” brought by social media.
I think that once we understand this and are at peace with it, we can remember once more, the greater things that we’re meant to do.
Everyone goes through their own hurdles and the pressure that I put on myself, the pressure we put on ourselves to achieve so much at such a young age is unfair to us and would probably only cause us major disappointments. And so we turn to the easiest way of getting fast love. But obviously all the successful people in the world didn’t have it easy too.
Great things take time and we must be patient and work hard one day at a time to not lose sight of what we want to achieve for ourselves.
Life is a climb, but the view is great. And I think that we’re all not that far from the top!

Can you relate? Or do you agree? Comment your thoughts! 🙂

These days

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These days I hope for the better.
These days I see
People laughing, people dancing. People capturing moments. Short-term happiness that help you get through your week.
These days there are
People partying, people drinking. People pretending
to be happy and care free.
Would you deny it?
These days,
Maybe the thousand likes on your social media would help you believe otherwise.
All day
They’d say, “We’re happy.”
But when you lay in bed at night with worry and tears refusing to cease, would you still believe your pretense?
On days
when you’re all alone and you feel lonely, are you still happy?
These days
Is happiness so short lived?
These days
We’ve become pawns of such a broken, pretentious society.
These days
We try to hide who we are with people we want to be.
These days
We’ve become sad.
So sad that we cannot see the truth of our worth.
But one of these days,
You will understand that you deserve better. You will understand what it means to be truly and deeply happy.
Everyday
I can only hope for the better because that is all that there is left, these days.

A Letter from The Broken

My Mother,

I can only imagine your disappointment in me. How your sweet child turned out to be.

I can only imagine your guilt. How you feel like you must let go of me.

But how can I tell you what’s going on with me, Ma? How I feel like a failure, how I feel like I’ve failed you.

How can I tell you the truth, Ma? How the only thing that makes me feel alive these days are the momentary happiness I get from numbness of the drugs and the alcohol I’ve been accustomed to.

How do I tell you the reason, Ma? The way I feel my soul and everything that made me, ‘Me’ are slowly disappearing into nothing like the profound stench of cigarettes that lingers in my bedroom.

How can you know the little things that are destroying your daughter who won’t tell you any of it because of all that disgusting pride she protects her emotions with.

How can you know that she still loves you and is so helpless that all she wants is to be hugged and to hear that she’s loved?

Things have gotten so bad, Ma. I feel myself slipping away.

What do I do?

How do I undo my mistakes and make you proud of me again, Ma? All I ever wanted was to do so well and that one day you’d say, happily this time, “She’s my daughter”.

I want you to teach me again, Ma. To hold my hand again and say that I can make it.

How do I tell you all of this, Ma?

How do I tell you that I need you.

Love yourself

And no, I’m not talking about the Justin Bieber song. I’m talking about the act of self appreciation, self acceptance without being conceited, of course. Looking at the world today, I feel like that one distinct thing we look for the most is acceptance. To be accepted in a particular clique or to be appreciated by our friends and family regardless of what it takes or to just feel loved by that one special person. As much as we say we don’t care about what people think about us, we do want to fit in and be thought of as “cool” from time to time. And that’s where a social predicament begins. Our generation of teenagers are so caught up in “fitting in” and outdoing everybody else to be “the best” or to be “the coolest” that we don’t stop to take care of ourselves, the one person whose acceptance we really need the most.

But loving oneself is easier said than done. The countless insecurities, self criticism, the constant feeling of inadequacy and every other reason to doubt ourselves always creeps up to all of us at certain point of time and that hinders our abilities to stay confident and positive about ourselves. I’ve recently gone through a really low point in my life where I felt like my whole world was crashing down and everyone I knew was suddenly against me. Although, that wasn’t the case and it was all just my imaginings, I couldn’t help but feel so unsure about myself. I felt alone and unloved. I hated myself at that particular time and I simply let myself go. I would skip meals and just eat one morsel of roti or not eat anything at all. I didn’t care about my health anymore or how I looked or how anyone saw me. I ignored texts and calls from my friends, people I care about and just shut everybody out. After a couple of days of laying in bed and doing nothing, my mother asked me what was wrong and why I wasn’t going out like everybody else during these holidays. So I told her what was bothering me. And we talked. And she said something to me that really woke me up. “Love yourself.”, she said. “You might have so many reasons to dislike yourself right now but a whole lot more reasons to love yourself, don’t you think so?” And that basically got me going again. Those little words of encouragement that make you think and prioritize your whole perspective on life.

I’m sure we all undergo a similar kind of situation at some point of our life but the next time you do, the next time you feel like you hate everything and everyone, yourself the most, remember to believe in your abilities. Remember to start with yourself and accept yourself for who you are because who you are is beautiful. I’m not just saying this because it’s a cliche.I’m saying it like it is. Think about it. You are unique and there is no one else quite like you in the whole world and that is what makes you special. Love yourself first so that you don’t have to depend on anyone else for your happiness. Love yourself first so that no one has to. Love yourself first to be accepting. Love yourself first to be happy.

 

Raw and Real

So I’ve finally started blogging again and this time, I’m here to stay. I’ve been thinking a lot about what my first blog post should be about and after much thought, I’ve decided to write about myself. For starters, i don’t know. Yes, I’m the kind of person who would go blank when put on the spot to talk about myself. I could go on a rant about any topic in the world but to talk a few words about myself seems like a pretty difficult thing for me to do. I’ve just finished 12th grade and have been applying to quite a few colleges in the city. My first interview went pretty well and I was beside myself with glee when they accepted me into their institution through the personal interview. But as I went back home, I found myself thinking about something that really bothered me during the interview. So after all the serious talk about my marks and ambitions, the interviewer asked me something that I never thought would throw me off that way. He said “So tell me Pauline, who is the real you?”, a pretty simple question. But to me, it was probably the most difficult question I’ve had to answer in all my 18 years in this world. Who am I? I could start off by telling you that I’m Pauline Sabio, 18 y/o, a student. But that’s not what he wanted to hear. That wasn’t what I wanted to say either. I didn’t know what to say because the truth is I don’t know myself enough. So that’s what I’m going to try and change with this blog. To find myself, my true self. Explore my interests, thoughts and opinions. My secret desires, the endless possibilities of what I can and cannot do. From little poetry to political and social opinions ..I’m letting it all out for everyone to know as well as for myself as I’ve found relief and realization in writing. So here I am, raw and real.